college

Where to Start?

Posted on by LACE

I want to be the voice for those who need a voice. I want to write a book. I want to be a known writer/ poet. I want to make a difference. There is so much I want to do in this lifetime, I sometimes get scared I won’t be able to do all that I want. 

I want to help those who have struggled to gain their footing or to speak up for themselves. I know there are people out there who need a voice, I want to be that person for them. Over the past few years, I have learned that many victims get pushed to the side.

After people saying I was lying about being raped or family saying it was “God’s way of punishing me for my sins” I learned that to the world, victims are always to blame. Very rarely does it seem like everyone supports the victim, there will always be someone to pull the victim down. I want to make a difference for those people. I don’t care if I offend someone or lose relationships, I want to help others who need it. No one should be left feeling like they are to blame when they have been put through hell. Victim blaming is so real and people don’t see it as a problem. 

I am so passionate about many things but I don’t know where to start. 

Fading Darkness

Posted on by LACE

I was stuck in a very dark place for about eight years. Eight years I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. That I didn’t deserve love, that I deserved all the abuse that was thrown my way. For eight years I thought that the toxic people in my life were treating me right.

It started in middle school, my first boyfriend. I dated this boy for a little over 2 years. Eighth grade to freshman year. Those two years are what started it all. That boy is what set my standards for the new years. I allowed myself to be broken down, to be weak. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I had lost all my confidence. I was humiliated by him in front of many people. He made me feel as if I didn’t listen to him that I would have no one. If I didn’t obey his wishes that I would be alone forever. I was 14 and felt like this one boy was in control of my life. He had bad intentions. He took my virginity way before I was ready. I wanted to wait until marriage. After he convinced me to have sex with him, I felt that I had to stay with him. I thought that since I had sex with him that I was bound to him. he coerced me to have sex with him each time, I didn’t know it was wrong until years later. The amount of abuse and manipulation was too much. I was depressed and I didn’t even realize that what I was feeling wasn’t normal. He cheated on me multiple times and I knew about it, I just didn’t have the guts to end it.

Fast forward to junior year, I dated a boy who seemed nice. He stuck up for me when anyone said something negative about me. He brought me down though. He tore me down to the point I was scared to even look at another boy. I lost friends, almost all of them. I would wake up at 5am every morning because he wanted me to come over before school started and ride together. He would constantly say I was cheating on him, when in fact, he was the one to blame. One morning he said he needed to “check” to make sure I wasn’t cheating. Apparently how his penis fit in my vagina showed him if I was cheating or not. I had a class with him and he yelled at me during the class for talking to a boy about classwork even though we were broken up. I was humiliated even after leaving the toxic relationship.

In 2016, my second year of college I was raped. I went to a male strip club with who I thought was my best friend. I wasn’t 21 but was being served alcohol. A dancer kept sending us drinks. My friend wanted to go back to this guys house, so we did. I wasn’t able to drive, so I didn’t have much of a say. We got to his apartment and found that we were the only ones there, even though he told her there would be a lot of other people. Red flag number one. I was drugged. my friend was blackout drunk and I was drugged on the couch. I felt like I couldn’t move. I was in and out of consciousness. I would wake up to him on top of me and try to push him off. I woke up with bruises down my legs, hand prints where he grabbed me. I wasn’t sure what happened, I wanted things to be normal. I acted normal. Once away from him and on our way home I told my friend what happened. She told me, “You’ll ruin his life if you go to the police”. Guess what? I went to the police, I stood in front of a jury and told them what happened. My “friend” said it didn’t happen to protect this guy. He got to walk free with nothing against him. I on the hand was barely living. I was scared to sleep in my own house. I was scared to turn the lights off. I was scared to leave my house. I couldn’t sit in class, I dropped all my on-campus classes because I couldn’t sit there long enough without having a panic attack. For 2 years I suffered. I drank and abused drugs that I thought would help ease the pain or take me out of my misery.

I still find myself having days where I have flashbacks to some of those days in the past. They may not impact me near as much as they use to but they still hurt.

I found a man who supports me, who cares for me even though I have flaws. He loves me for me and accepts my past. He stands by my side through every emotional breakdown I have. He’s got my back and never tears me down. He builds me up. We’ve been working out together and it’s helped my confidence so much. He wants the best for me. I love him so very much.

I’m proud of where I’ve come and the accomplishments I’ve made. I know that God has a path for me and I am so ready to reach every upcoming goal He has for me.

Leaving the Past in the Past

Posted on by LACE

Moving on from the past can be difficult. I grew so used to my past that I didn’t want to leave it. I didn’t want to move on and try to branch out on my own. I didn’t want to experience life to the full potential because I was scared. I so used to living each day the same and not focusing on myself or how I was bringing myself down.

Keeping the same people in your life isn’t always for the best. It may seem that since those people have been there for so long they should continue to be in your life, but that’s wrong. Just because someone has been there for years and years doesn’t mean they need to stay there if they are negatively impacting your life. Moving on and away from a toxic past seems like an easy step, for some, it can be the hardest.

Before talking to my current boyfriend, I was hung up on an ex. I had spent years with him. I failed to realize that as we broke up and made up it only took a negative toll on me, both physically and emotionally. I finally grew the lady balls to leave and focus on myself for a while, that’s when Cale stepped in. Neither of us were looking for anything, but somehow, we clicked.

The first time we met I knew it was something different. We saw eye to eye and equally understood each other without having to explain ourselves. It didn’t take long for me to start staying overnight with him, we didn’t want to be apart. We spend so much time with each other. It amazes me that we don’t get tired of each other or want time to ourselves. This man is someone special, something I’ve never felt before. Cale treats me like a princess, he watches out for me and loves me like no one else has.

He not only clicked with me, but my family clicked with him and vise verse. My parents absolutely love him, my whole family does. I’ve never been so comfortable with anyone’s parents like I am his mom. I don’t get nervous around his family or friends like I did in the past. They’re all so welcoming.

Friendship is something I’ve always struggled with. I have a difficult personality and can come off as rude or a bitch sometimes. I tend to be brutally honest with those around me. I’ve kept a couple close friends by my side over the years, but I’ve also lost some friends who I thought would be there till the end. This year, I’ve realized some that I pushed away I should try to bring back and I have.

I’ve opened up to a lot more people this year than I ever have. I’ve made new friends that I can see being there for a while.

Focusing on myself is something that I never really did before. However, I’ve found that if I focus on myself things around me seem to fall into place. Those who understand me will stick by my side and those who don’t can leave.

Moral of this, focus on yourself and don’t hold on to the past, even if it seems like the more comfortable thing to do. Just because it’s comfortable doesn’t mean its healthy. Find your faith, trust in God and focus on yourself.

How Things Should Be

Posted on by LACE

It’s funny how I use to think I knew what love is. I use to be okay with it being overly one-sided. In any relationship, I have ever been in, I have always given my all. Even when I knew I was being cheated on, or I knew that someone wasn’t giving me their all, I always tried my best to give whoever I was with my all.

Now, being in a mutually giving relationship I see that I didn’t really know what a healthy relationship was. I’m not going to sit here and say that I have never loved someones before because I have. I was in a very long-term relationship before now and I truly did love that person. Towards the end, I felt I deserved more. At the time, I also thought I was being irrational, that maybe I was asking too much. I wasn’t. I wanted the same respect and feelings I was giving, I wanted it to be mutual.

This relationship that I have now with Cale is so different than what I experienced before. He cares about my thoughts and opinions. He makes me feel important and assures that he cares for me. I have never doubted anything he has said, he makes me feel his love for me without having to say it. He goes out with my friends and talks to them as if they were his own. His friends incorporate me into their plans, something I’ve never experienced. My friends are his friends and his friends are mine. We understand each other 100% without even having to always talk about things. He’s never made me feel bad about myself and always boosts me up. He tells me he’s proud of me, and always brings positivity into our conversations. He’s a real good guy, he prays before he eats, cares for those around him and is always willing to lend a helping hand.

My childhood friend Victor was moving and Cale went out of his way to help move some couches from his apartment to the house. He is always willing to help anyone and everyone. He has such a big heart, it’s truly amazing and beautiful. He wants the same things I want in life. He really wants a family and is excited to have one, just like I am. We talk about the future.

He accepts my past, my health issues, my friends, and family. He has never judged me for anything I have ever said or done. We are both such sarcastic assholes, we can joke with each other knowing we don’t mean what we say. Before we even said it, we knew that we had a connection unlike anything we’ve felt before, we know the feelings we have for each other were different and special.

I’m really excited to see where this relationship will go. I know that we will grow together and hopefully something wonderful will come from it. He’s starting the nursing program at TWU this semester and I am so proud of him. He works so hard not only in school but in life. He loves my writing too, he loves reading my poems and blogs. He makes me feel like I could actually do something with my writing. He believes in me.

 

Time Lines

Posted on by LACE

You know, there is no reason for there to be a time limit on anything in life. So what, I’m not finishing college in a 4 year time, it’s taking me a bit longer and I really don’t care that it is. I’m not married, my mom was married and had a kid at this age, I’m glad I’m not having kids at the moment. I’m enjoying my life so much.

Relationships are the same way. Sometimes you really connect with someone so soon, even faster than with someone you knew longer. The connection that two people can share over such a short period of time is crazy. I love how my life is going right now.

I use to think that I wouldn’t find a connection like I had before, which is just ridiculous to think by the way. However, I have never been so close and open to someone like I am now. Titles are something else a lot of people try to force on relationships but there really isn’t a need for it. Don’t get me wrong, I love titles but there is no need to rush into them.

Just live life at your own pace and forget what anyone else says.

Life is Weird.

Posted on by LACE

I don’t know where I’m going to end up in life. I’m four years deep into my college career, switched my major in my second year to what seems to fit me better, but I still don’t know if that’s the path I want to follow. I want to make a difference and I absolutely love writing, even if some people hate my style of writing. I want my words to inspire those who read them. I want to encourage those around me to speak up and stand out.

I want to make a difference.

I do know, I want a family. I want to have kids, a husband, one who supports me in all ways. I want my own life, away from negative energy. I want to graduate college, even if it takes me longer than the “average” student. Honestly though, what even is an “average student”? But really, I want a family, as of recently I’ve realized that I want someone by my side, don’t get me wrong, I’m totally independent and really don’t NEED anyone there for me. I’m my own support system, but I want to go to bed each night with someone.

I want to be held and have a connection with someone that no one else can feel. I want to thrive with whoever I end up with, I want to be successful with them and support them in whatever they’re into. I want him to support me the way I will him.

Life is weird man. It’s weird how in just one day or even a few hours, you can realize so much. For so long I allowed myself to believe certain things and I never let my mind expand.

I have a family now, my parents, my brother and my nephew. They’re the closest to me, but they won’t be there forever. They can’t give me to love that I want to share with someone. I love them to death but I have a different type of love I want to give someone.

Maybe one day I’ll be some crazy good journalist or maybe I’ll have a book or two published. I want to make a difference. I want to let people know that their voice is important and to never cower down because someone has more “authority” than you do.

There’s times where I sit and think back over the past year. How the rape really impacted my life. For the longest time, I couldn’t even say the word “rape” it was such a harsh word that had so much power over me. Then I think back to how I was treated by the officers and detectives, I was told maybe I just “regretted the sex” and that it really wasn’t raped. I was told I was lying and for a while, I started doubting myself. I couldn’t remember the whole night, for God’s sake I was drugged. I was passed out when it all started and woke up in the middle and I fought, I had hand marks and bruises and the cops still didn’t believe me. Friends didn’t believe me. A family member tried saying maybe this was Gods way of dealing with my sins.

In life, people will doubt you. You could be holding a pineapple and say that it’s a pineapple and someone will still say it’s a pumpkin. There are just people like that in this world. People who like to doubt others, who like to put others down and see them fail. The best thing to do while around those people is to say fuck ’em and do you. Show them your success show them that their judgement and doubt does not faze you.

Life is weird man. People are weird. One day I’m going to be a bomb ass mom and a good ass wife. Fuck ’em

New Beginings

Posted on by LACE

Finally,  fall semester has started. I’m not like most students who dread school starting, I actually look forward to it. I love learning new material. I love getting into a routine and challenging myself to do better each semester. It is so rewarding to go to class and actually do well in the class. However, as much as I love school, it does stress me out. I really do struggle with managing my stress and anxiety.

Lately, I have had some issues with my anxiety, I have had more attacks recently than I have in a while. It may be because I have been house sitting and have been alone more often than before. Either way, I need to work on managing it better. I know what triggers some attacks but sometimes they come out of nowhere. Like at night my anxiety tends to be higher than during the day time. I use to wait up all night until the sun started coming up to go to sleep because my anxiety was so bad. At this point, it is not that bad, but at night I do tend to worry more and have an attack, especially since I am at a house that is not my own and I am alone in it. Whenever I move out, it’s going to be hard. I want to live on my own but I also feel I will need a room mate, just to keep my anxiety down.

Aside from starting a new semester, I have started working for my school’s newspaper, The Lasso, I absolutely love it. I feel like this new experience will open up many doors for me in the future. I will be able to challenge myself even more with my writing and my name will actually be in a paper that people actually read. I’m getting closer and closer to reaching my goal of having my name known.

I still plan on making a difference with my writing and I know I will one day. I have already touched many hearts of those around me with some of my poems. Hopefully, my creativity will continue to flow and allow me to come up with more great poems and material to share with the world.

What Now?

Posted on by LACE

At this point in my life, everything has gone downhill and fast. Everything seems to be heading to the worst and I can’t change it. The legal system, however, likes to take their time in trying to deal with my case. My stress levels are through the roof. I feel like my heart is going to give out on me, it’s constantly beating fast and skipping beats. There is always a tight sensation in my chest that won’t go away. I’ve been blacking out from stress, I went off the road the other day from blacking out. Every time I go to class, I cry. I can’t keep going to class to just sit and cry and not pay attention. I’ve dropped my on-campus classes, I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t feel strong like I use to. I don’t feel like I can handle it anymore, but I know I need to. It’s just so hard. I’ve lost myself. I need to find myself and figure out how to help myself. I have too much stress for one person.

Two paths, One answer

Posted on by LACE

I am at a complete loss. My heart is telling me to go one way and my brain, aka my parents, are telling me to go another. I know my parents mean well with my education and future in mind, but I want to be happy. I want to be truly happy in my career. To be honest I am so unhappy with how school is going, I no longer want to follow through with nursing, not that I have anything against it, I just do not feel that it is right for me. I want to do something that I truly enjoy.

I want to major in English and maybe even teach it at a middle school one day. I have taught kids before, I absolutely loved it. I loved seeing the kids achieve. I want to help young children expand their minds and grow. I want to show them a more creative side to things than the basic way of teaching.

I somehow just have to persuade my sweet sweet loving parents into this idea of teaching, to completely changing my major. I need to find the confidence within myself to do so.

I feel like I have wasted a so many hours on work I will never use, when I could have been using it towards something more relevant to what I am passionate about. I wish it didn’t take me this long to figure out what I love. It’s a little ridiculous. I hate how as young adults we are thrown into college expected to know what we want to do with our careers. It seems impossible to me. I don’t understand how some students have it all figured out, I feel so hopeless when it comes to school. I love learning but lately it has been dreadful trying to learn about things I am so uninterested in.

I just hope making this decision is the right one for me, I hope this is the path I was meant to take.