I was stuck in a very dark place for about eight years. Eight years I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. That I didn’t deserve love, that I deserved all the abuse that was thrown my way. For eight years I thought that the toxic people in my life were treating me right.
It started in middle school, my first boyfriend. I dated this boy for a little over 2 years. Eighth grade to freshman year. Those two years are what started it all. That boy is what set my standards for the new years. I allowed myself to be broken down, to be weak. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I had lost all my confidence. I was humiliated by him in front of many people. He made me feel as if I didn’t listen to him that I would have no one. If I didn’t obey his wishes that I would be alone forever. I was 14 and felt like this one boy was in control of my life. He had bad intentions. He took my virginity way before I was ready. I wanted to wait until marriage. After he convinced me to have sex with him, I felt that I had to stay with him. I thought that since I had sex with him that I was bound to him. he coerced me to have sex with him each time, I didn’t know it was wrong until years later. The amount of abuse and manipulation was too much. I was depressed and I didn’t even realize that what I was feeling wasn’t normal. He cheated on me multiple times and I knew about it, I just didn’t have the guts to end it.
Fast forward to junior year, I dated a boy who seemed nice. He stuck up for me when anyone said something negative about me. He brought me down though. He tore me down to the point I was scared to even look at another boy. I lost friends, almost all of them. I would wake up at 5am every morning because he wanted me to come over before school started and ride together. He would constantly say I was cheating on him, when in fact, he was the one to blame. One morning he said he needed to “check” to make sure I wasn’t cheating. Apparently how his penis fit in my vagina showed him if I was cheating or not. I had a class with him and he yelled at me during the class for talking to a boy about classwork even though we were broken up. I was humiliated even after leaving the toxic relationship.
In 2016, my second year of college I was raped. I went to a male strip club with who I thought was my best friend. I wasn’t 21 but was being served alcohol. A dancer kept sending us drinks. My friend wanted to go back to this guys house, so we did. I wasn’t able to drive, so I didn’t have much of a say. We got to his apartment and found that we were the only ones there, even though he told her there would be a lot of other people. Red flag number one. I was drugged. my friend was blackout drunk and I was drugged on the couch. I felt like I couldn’t move. I was in and out of consciousness. I would wake up to him on top of me and try to push him off. I woke up with bruises down my legs, hand prints where he grabbed me. I wasn’t sure what happened, I wanted things to be normal. I acted normal. Once away from him and on our way home I told my friend what happened. She told me, “You’ll ruin his life if you go to the police”. Guess what? I went to the police, I stood in front of a jury and told them what happened. My “friend” said it didn’t happen to protect this guy. He got to walk free with nothing against him. I on the hand was barely living. I was scared to sleep in my own house. I was scared to turn the lights off. I was scared to leave my house. I couldn’t sit in class, I dropped all my on-campus classes because I couldn’t sit there long enough without having a panic attack. For 2 years I suffered. I drank and abused drugs that I thought would help ease the pain or take me out of my misery.
I still find myself having days where I have flashbacks to some of those days in the past. They may not impact me near as much as they use to but they still hurt.
I found a man who supports me, who cares for me even though I have flaws. He loves me for me and accepts my past. He stands by my side through every emotional breakdown I have. He’s got my back and never tears me down. He builds me up. We’ve been working out together and it’s helped my confidence so much. He wants the best for me. I love him so very much.
I’m proud of where I’ve come and the accomplishments I’ve made. I know that God has a path for me and I am so ready to reach every upcoming goal He has for me.