Where to Start?

I want to be the voice for those who need a voice. I want to write a book. I want to be a known writer/ poet. I want to make a difference. There is so much I want to do in this lifetime, I sometimes get scared I won’t be able to do all that I want. 

I want to help those who have struggled to gain their footing or to speak up for themselves. I know there are people out there who need a voice, I want to be that person for them. Over the past few years, I have learned that many victims get pushed to the side.

After people saying I was lying about being raped or family saying it was “God’s way of punishing me for my sins” I learned that to the world, victims are always to blame. Very rarely does it seem like everyone supports the victim, there will always be someone to pull the victim down. I want to make a difference for those people. I don’t care if I offend someone or lose relationships, I want to help others who need it. No one should be left feeling like they are to blame when they have been put through hell. Victim blaming is so real and people don’t see it as a problem. 

I am so passionate about many things but I don’t know where to start. 

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Changing Perspectives

Every day we wake up and have some form of routine. It can almost seem like a chore. Every morning I wake up, roughly around 7 a.m. every day except Sunday. I make breakfast, get my stuff ready for work then go to work. If I’m off one day I usually clean after breakfast then run errands. My little routines started to seem boring and turned more into a chore than anything.

One day I came across a post. It explained that we should change our perspective from “I have to do ….” to “I get to do …” and that has really opened up my eyes.

I get to go to work when some people struggle to have a steady income. I get to go to school and learn when some people struggle with the finances for school. I get to experience period cramps when some women are not able to for medical reasons. I get to be sore from every day living when some people are bed ridden. I get to clean my house when others are living on the streets.

It’s all about perspective. Since changing mine, I have become even more positive than I was before. I had a little road bump in my life a few months back, I thought I was falling back into the darkness but with a quick drop of medication ( a migraine preventative that cause extreme mood changes ) and an all new perspective, I’m back and better than ever.

2019 will be a blessed year. It will be the year of hard work and exhaustion but I am so ready to take it all on. God has blessed me this far and I can not wait to see what this year holds.

Photo Credit: Nicolas Issac Instagram: @nicxlasisaac

Fading Darkness

I was stuck in a very dark place for about eight years. Eight years I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. That I didn’t deserve love, that I deserved all the abuse that was thrown my way. For eight years I thought that the toxic people in my life were treating me right.

It started in middle school, my first boyfriend. I dated this boy for a little over 2 years. Eighth grade to freshman year. Those two years are what started it all. That boy is what set my standards for the new years. I allowed myself to be broken down, to be weak. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I had lost all my confidence. I was humiliated by him in front of many people. He made me feel as if I didn’t listen to him that I would have no one. If I didn’t obey his wishes that I would be alone forever. I was 14 and felt like this one boy was in control of my life. He had bad intentions. He took my virginity way before I was ready. I wanted to wait until marriage. After he convinced me to have sex with him, I felt that I had to stay with him. I thought that since I had sex with him that I was bound to him. he coerced me to have sex with him each time, I didn’t know it was wrong until years later. The amount of abuse and manipulation was too much. I was depressed and I didn’t even realize that what I was feeling wasn’t normal. He cheated on me multiple times and I knew about it, I just didn’t have the guts to end it.

Fast forward to junior year, I dated a boy who seemed nice. He stuck up for me when anyone said something negative about me. He brought me down though. He tore me down to the point I was scared to even look at another boy. I lost friends, almost all of them. I would wake up at 5am every morning because he wanted me to come over before school started and ride together. He would constantly say I was cheating on him, when in fact, he was the one to blame. One morning he said he needed to “check” to make sure I wasn’t cheating. Apparently how his penis fit in my vagina showed him if I was cheating or not. I had a class with him and he yelled at me during the class for talking to a boy about classwork even though we were broken up. I was humiliated even after leaving the toxic relationship.

In 2016, my second year of college I was raped. I went to a male strip club with who I thought was my best friend. I wasn’t 21 but was being served alcohol. A dancer kept sending us drinks. My friend wanted to go back to this guys house, so we did. I wasn’t able to drive, so I didn’t have much of a say. We got to his apartment and found that we were the only ones there, even though he told her there would be a lot of other people. Red flag number one. I was drugged. my friend was blackout drunk and I was drugged on the couch. I felt like I couldn’t move. I was in and out of consciousness. I would wake up to him on top of me and try to push him off. I woke up with bruises down my legs, hand prints where he grabbed me. I wasn’t sure what happened, I wanted things to be normal. I acted normal. Once away from him and on our way home I told my friend what happened. She told me, “You’ll ruin his life if you go to the police”. Guess what? I went to the police, I stood in front of a jury and told them what happened. My “friend” said it didn’t happen to protect this guy. He got to walk free with nothing against him. I on the hand was barely living. I was scared to sleep in my own house. I was scared to turn the lights off. I was scared to leave my house. I couldn’t sit in class, I dropped all my on-campus classes because I couldn’t sit there long enough without having a panic attack. For 2 years I suffered. I drank and abused drugs that I thought would help ease the pain or take me out of my misery.

I still find myself having days where I have flashbacks to some of those days in the past. They may not impact me near as much as they use to but they still hurt.

I found a man who supports me, who cares for me even though I have flaws. He loves me for me and accepts my past. He stands by my side through every emotional breakdown I have. He’s got my back and never tears me down. He builds me up. We’ve been working out together and it’s helped my confidence so much. He wants the best for me. I love him so very much.

I’m proud of where I’ve come and the accomplishments I’ve made. I know that God has a path for me and I am so ready to reach every upcoming goal He has for me.

Body over Brain?

I tell myself to not give this date or tomorrow’s date any thought. To not give it any attention or power over me. I focus on distractions to keep my mind busy.

My body is different. I can’t tell my eyes to not fill with tears or my insides to stop shaking. I can’t tell it everything was just a bad dream. It’s felt things that my brain still can’t wrap around. My body doesn’t listen to my brain at times.

This morning I woke up from such a deep sleep to my body shaking and my heart racing. I didn’t have a nightmare or even a dream. It was a dark silent sleep so waking up in such a panic was overwhelming. Once I gained my barings I knew what was happening. It was like my body was having a panic attack without my brains help. My brain was calm but my body was shaken.

Sometimes the littlest of triggers really just set me off. Sometimes it’s not even really triggers just words or events that cause the tears to flow.

I’m working towards not giving these days and attention. This year was better than last. I can only improve from here.

I Must Admit

There’s been times where I’ve been taken advantage of, mentally and physically. I’ve always been the one to act as if nothing happened, I’d act normal and calm. This is my coping mechanism. I feel that if I act as if nothing happened, it’ll just disappear as if it was never there.

I did the same for when I was raped. It’s been laying heavy on my heart since the day in front of the jury.

The next morning I acted as if that man did nothing wrong. I spoke to him normally and was even friendly. Some may say that because of this I wasn’t taken advantage of. To me, I felt that if I did that, the night before would disappear. That all would be fine.

Once in questioning they asked if that was how I acted. I lied. I disregarded their questions and explained what happened the night of. If I told the jury that I acted civil the next morning they would have completely thrown out my case as if nothing happened. In the end, that is what happened.

It hurts to be kind hearted, even when your heart is the most broken. There have been so many instances where I’ve tried to cover up others actions by acting as if nothing was done. I regret this all so much. In the end, I’m still the one who suffered.

My ways of coping aren’t the best. I can’t erase the past as if it never happened, like I wish I could. The mental scars never fade and the physical marks still linger in my eyes.

Easy Lover

I love hard but I also love easy. There have been very few relationships that I’ve been in that I have said “I love you” to the person. At the time, that relationship is what I thought love was. I wasn’t completely wrong but I wasn’t 100% right. I believe everyone should feel love. I love pretty much everyone I form any sort of relationship with. Sometimes I even have a love for people I barely see or don’t even speak to. I love my family endlessly, my boyfriend unconditionally, my friends always and my co workers just because.

With all the hate in the world, people need love. I dish it out like I’ve never been hurt before. If I can show affection to those around me, even if it’s a smile to let them know I’m listening, a laugh for encouragement or a hug for comfort, then I feel I’m making a difference in some way. Everyone deserves love.

Love can have many different meanings. Love is not always romantic. I have a lot of love for those who I’m around daily. I have endless love to give so why stop giving?

I’ve been asked very often while in relationships “why do you love them” or “how do you know”? My answers were usually very vague. I didn’t always have a reason for loving someone. I’ve been in relationships since middle school, most lasting a few months or more. Even those that didn’t grow I still had love for that person. I love love. It is such a healing emotion.

The love I have for my boyfriend is something I’m still getting use to. It’s real and unconditional. I knew I loved him more than I’ve ever loved when he made me actually smile during a flashback/panic attack. He had me smiling through the tears, something no one has been able to do. He pulled me out of it so fast and held me unlike I’ve ever been held.

Love is a beautiful thing and everyone deserves it. If someone isn’t getting love romantically they deserve it in other ways. Nice gestures, a smile, a hug can show love so easily.

I might have a broad definition of love but how that’s how I see it. Love is something that should be shared and passed on. Love is important. Love matters.

2 Years

I’m coming up on 2 years since everything changed. I find myself thinking about how so much has changed. How I’ve become so much stronger both emotionally and physically.

I also find myself asking myself how I could be so weak. How I just let it all happen. How I let the court fail me. I feel like I could have hit harder. Could have explained everything more to the jury. It hurts me knowing that a person is still walking free possibly still hurting others.

I put on a brave face for so long, for my family, my friends and even myself. I acted as though I was okay with the jury’s decision. I wasn’t. I was so angry and upset that those who were supposed to protect didn’t.

Now, I’m strong. I really am. However I have days where I feel so weak and angry. All those emotions come back when I least expect it. The flashbacks have mostly stopped but the emotions show their head every now and then.

I still want to make a difference for those who struggle. I want to help anyone who had their voice taken or pushed aside. One day, the Justice that I lacked to receive will be given to those who still seek it.