When I started this blog I used it as a source to sort out my emotions which then turned into a coping mechanism. Now, I find myself in a different mind set. I want to inspire those that I can and help those in need as much as I possibly can. I’ve always wanted to be a voice for those who were too scared to reach out but even at the times I said that, I was still scared of my own voice.
Now, I’m not scared to speak up, I’m not scared of hurting the feelings of those around me if it’s for the greater good. I’ve been putting myself first and I’ve never felt better. It’s really amazing how much things can change when you focus on yourself rather than everyone around you. Here are the things that have changed since my change in focus-
- My mood- This one is probably the biggest change I’ve had. In the past I worried so much about everyone else but my own mood. I wanted to please everyone but myself. This lead to me feeling awful because I couldn’t please every person around me. When one person showed any ounce of negative emotion it took a toll on me. I was down and out even after their negativity was gone. I didn’t get over things easily. Now, I’m happy. I’m not saying I’m completely emotionless towards those I care about but I’m not engulfing myself into their emotions. I obviously still care but I don’t let their negativity flow into my own feelings.
- My self-image- Also a huge one. Before I started focusing on myself I saw myself as some awful looking human, inside and out. To me, my inner self was a pathetic stupid girl not worthy of much. I chalked this up to how my past relationships were, but I can’t put all the blame on that. It was something deep inside of me that made me feel so awful about myself. Visually I saw myself as ugly and unattractive. I think I saw myself as this just because of what I heard other people say in the past. Throughout middle school and even high school there was talk about how I looked and many rumors spread. These stuck with me for some time. Now, all that negativity has melted away, I don’t think about those words and if I do, it doesn’t bother me. Words can’t hurt me like they use to.
- My actual health- I’ve been going to the gym so much lately and have been watching what I eat. I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily on a diet but more just focusing on clean eating and gorging myself. At my highest weight I weighed roughly 170. I’m not tall and it wasn’t muscle so it wasn’t healthy. I lost the weight and dropped down to 120, that was my original goal, to just lose the fat. Now I’m lifting weights and have gained 13 pounds of muscles.
I left my job as a swim instructor. I felt I was being disrespected by the manager and her daughter. It was such a toxic place and it really brought negativity into my life. I’m now a personal trainer at a kickboxing gym and I love it. It’s such a positive environment, everyone is so uplifting and supporting all the time.
I’m really proud of myself and how far I’ve come. There was a time when I didn’t think I would be able to go on with my life, when I wanted to just end it because I didn’t want to deal with my emotions. I’m so thankful I got past that, I am so blessed with the life I have. God really out did Himself when he planned my life.
I’ve started to post more on Instagram about my daily life and my fitness journey- If that’s something you’re interested in follow me @lacecutburth.